We both went back into the doctor’s private officewhere he told us the bad news. She had tumors and theywere probably cancerous. He was still going to run sometests but because of past experiences he was almostsure of his diagnosis. He asked us to come back inthree days and he could verify the facts.We went back three days later and he said she had thelate stages of cancer. There was nothing he could do.He would put her on chemo for awhile but the outlookwas very grave. At most he gave her six months to live.I just broke down and bawled. I took her in my arms andshe was the strong one. She said everything would beall right. How can everything be alright when my wifeis dying?When we got home she called Helen. She came right overand they cried together. I wanted to do everything Icould for my wife in her last months. Always too late,would-a, could-a, should-a. There were no secondchances here. During her last months, Helen and I dideverything we could to make Sophie comfortable.. . well ... there wasn't anything to put in the coffin. The counselor the airline supplied suggested I think of her as having been buried at sea. That didn't help.I want you to know up front here that I'm not trying to get you to feel sorry for me. I took care of that, believe me. I just want you to understand the frame of mind I was in when things happened after that, or I made decisions; that's all.I couldn't live in the house any more. I had a company auction off all the furniture and everything else we'd bought together. I sold the house too, because even seeing it from the outside made me want to fall down and cry. I didn't need a whole house any more anyway. I couldn't get up the interest to look for an apartment, and got a long-term room in a fleabag hotel because it was quick and easy. The room had a television, though I didn't watch it much. I read a lot of books, though it took a really good one to keep my mind off my loss.I kept my job as an accountant, because it was.
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